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Old 16-09-2016, 03:59 PM   #31
GULAIYU
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_*Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him*. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:_

*_370HSSV 0773H_*

_Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. *No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Russia for help*. Within minutes, Russia cabled this reply: *"Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."*_
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Old 19-09-2016, 07:33 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GULAIYU View Post
At school Johnny's class is learning about medicines.
Catherine (the teacher), asks the students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for...

The first student said: 'Paracetamol ?'

Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'

Student: 'It is used for a headache.'

The second student said: 'Restyl.'

Teacher: 'Excellent!'. 'And what it is used for?'

Student: 'To help you sleep'.

Now it is Johnny's turn...
The teacher asks, Yes Johnny, name a medicine which you know:
Johnny replies: Viagra

Teacher gets surprised and asks Johnny, what is it used for??!!!

Johnny replies: 'It is used for diarrhoea.

Teacher: 'And who told you this, Johnny???!!!

Johnny: 'Nobody, but most evenings my mother tells my father ...
"Take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''
nice one
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Old 20-09-2016, 12:32 PM   #33
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THE STEWARDESS ANNOUNCEMENT WAS VERY SCARY . THIS DID NOT HAPPEN ON AIR ASIA FLIGHT BUT ON
Pre-take off announcement on a China Sout hern Airlines Flight.


Pre-take off announcement on a China Sout hern Airlines Flight. This is true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Chinese Air Stewardess :
"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German.
This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking.
On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to waycome you on board our Bowling 737 fom Shenzhen to Qingtao.
Members of my kew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know.
It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button.
I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable. Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry.
Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m..
Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill." (thank you)
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Old 21-09-2016, 10:17 AM   #34
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Just for laughs:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F---k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The people of Malaysia, when Najib was made Prime Minister, March 2009.". . . .

Someone continued, "You, son of a whore." ? Akio responded, "Filipino President, Duterte, when he cursed Obama in Aug, 2016"
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Old 21-09-2016, 12:08 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GULAIYU View Post
Just for laughs:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History........when he cursed Obama in Aug, 2016"
Hahaha...thanks for sharing.
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Old 22-09-2016, 09:51 PM   #36
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*MARRIAGE SOFTWARE....*

_I laughed after reading this, think I should share the humour.…_

A young husband wrote this to a *Systems Analyst -*
_(Marriage Software Div);_

*Dear Systems Analyst,*

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from *Girlfriend 7.0* to *Wife 1.0* and found that the new program began unexpected _Child Processing_ and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the _product brochure._

In addition *Wife 1.0* installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as *"Boys' Night out 2.5"* and *"Golf 5.3"* no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected *"Soccer 6.3"* always fails and *"Shopping 7.1"* runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep *Wife 1.0* in the background whilst attempting to run any of my _favorite applications._ Be it online or offline.
.
I am thinking of going back to *"Girlfriend 7.0"*, but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

_.... The Systems Analyst replied:_

*Dear Customer,*
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the *Wife 1.0 program.*

Many customers upgrade from _Girlfriend 7.0_ to _Wife 1.0_ thinking that _Wife 1.0_ is merely a *UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.*

Actually, *Wife 1.0* is an _OPERATING SYSTEM_ designed by its *Creator* to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge *Wife 1.0* and still convert back to _Girlfriend 7.0_, as *Wife 1.0* was not designed to do this and it is impossible to _uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed._

Some people have tried to install _Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0_ but have ended up with even more problems. *_(See Manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees)._*

Having *Wife 1.0* installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
*C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE* Program and avoid attempting to use the _*Esc-Key_ for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run *C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE* a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

*Wife 1.0,* although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as *"Flowers 2.0"* and *"Chocolates 5.0"* or *"HUGS\ KISSES 6.0"* or *"TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 10.0"* or *"even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1"* _(if Child processing has already started)._

*DO NOT* under any circumstances install *"Secretary 2.1"* _(Short Skirt Version)_ or *"One Nightstand 3.2"* _(Any Mood Version)_, as this is not a supported Application for *Wife 1.0* and the system will almost certainly *CRASH*.

*BEST WISHES!*

Yours,"
Systems Analyst.

*#To all husbands/ future husbands*
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Old 27-09-2016, 10:28 PM   #37
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Jus for laughs at the end of a hardworking Tuesday, take a break.

1. When your life is in darkness, pray and ask God to free you from darkness..... and
If you are still in darkness...
Pls pay your Electricity bill.

2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

3. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.

4. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away...

5. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”

6. A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?" Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

7. Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

8. Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish too that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
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Old 28-09-2016, 08:08 AM   #38
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"If Hillary and Trump both fall into the ocean, who will be saved?"
































"America"
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Old 29-09-2016, 10:08 AM   #39
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
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Old 09-10-2016, 03:01 PM   #40
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Monk walks to hotdog stand and says

"Make me one with everything"
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