Have a good laugh

[GULAIYU]

Jewish bookie🐎🐎

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot,
the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all
his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".

🙏🙏🙏🙏

[GULAIYU]

John was at the graveyard during Ching Ming festival while burning joss money, remarks, "Joss money nowadays look so real, I'm almost reluctant to burn it."
Soon after, his wife calls his mobile, "Hey, I thought you went for Ching Ming. Why is the joss money still on the table? And what happened to the 60K that I withdrew yesterday?"
John bangs his head against the tombstone and cries till he fainted.
Passers-by say, "Such filial piety! Hardly see nowadays."
Later that night, his grandfather appears in his dream.
"Grandson, what have you done? What currency have you sent me? I'm now in police lockup here. They're accusing me of using counterfeit money!"

[GULAIYU]

A Chinaman goes shopping in a supermarket in U.S.

He sees a promotion for cat food and picks a dozen cans.

The racist white manager who thinks Asians are uncivilized gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Chinaman to show him his cat before he would let him buy cat food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a cat. He is allowed to buy the cat food.

The following week the Chinaman finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food.

The manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he can't be having a dog and will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Chinaman to show him the dog before he would let him buy dog food.

The Chinaman goes home and returns with a dog and he gets to buy the dog food.

The following week, the Chinaman comes to the supermarket again, this time with a plastic bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing soft, wet and sticky and immediately pulls his hand out.

He shouts at the Chinaman, “What the hell...this is shit!”

The Chinaman calmly replies, “Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Dont play play with Chinamen!

[Ong88]

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts

[Ong88]

What a definition!!

Intelligence is like underwear, you should have it but not show it.

Stupidity is like a bra, even with attempts to hide it, it shows up.

Ego is like the bum. You can't see yours but others can, and you keep noticing only other people's !!

Funny but true!

[Ong88]

A sociologist study has verified that a woman's ultimate fantasy is having 2 men at the same time, and that too in 2 different positions....






...One cooking & the other cleaning.....!!!



God knows what u thought....

[Natureman]

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
😂💃😆

[harrysoo]

Good Morning... starting with a joke to brighten your week ahead....

ENGINEERS ! Have a good laugh !

Four girls took lift in a car full of young engineers Since the car was full, the girls had to sit on the laps of each guy.

After 5 minutes, Girl1: Are you an Electronics & Communication Engineer ???

Boy1: How do you know ?

Girl1: Your tower is communicating with my Unreachable Area !

Girl2: Are you an IT Engineer ???

Boy2: How do you know ?

Girl2: Your Pen drive is trying to connect with my USB port !

Girl3: Are you a Mechanical Engineer ???

Boy3: How do you know ?

Girl3: Your Piston is trying to move into my cylinder !!!

Girl4: Are you a Civil Engineer ???

Boy4: How do you know ?

Girl4: Your dam has broken and flooded my village !!! 😜😜😜😜😜😜😝😝😝😝😝😝😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Ong88]

At a health forum-

Speaker asked:

What food causes the most suffering for years after eating it?

After a long silence,

An old man replied

'Wedding Cake'!

😜😜😜😜

[Natureman]

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
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A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ..
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used
only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.